But do you trust me?

If you watch the new and/or scroll through your social media of choice, you can't hide from the news of some of the awful, heartbreaking things going on in our world right now.  It's hard not to get lost in the opinions and disagreements on how we should react and respond, but I think we can agree on one thing: our world is full of brokenness.
                                 
This isn't new.  Don't you remember history and social study classes growing up?  Lessons about the Civil War, Christopher Columbus, the Crusades, WWII, etc, etc, etc.  Bad stuff right? But it's taken me till age 25 to really start feeling the gravity of processing our world's past. AND now our current mistakes?  Poverty, human trafficking, school shootings, racial division, etc, etc, etc.  Will we ever learn our lesson?

.............

Part of everything above is me ranting/processing this month, this week, this day.  Another part is me grieving for anyone experiencing injustice anywhere right now.  Another part is me realizing how indifferent I have been to these injustices as it is easier and I honestly prefer to focus on every single little worry, chore, and joy of my day.  The last part is huge. The last part is me remembering that we are broken but celebrating that the human race is not broken beyond repair // Look around. The Middle East,  Ferguson Missouri, your work place, your hidden but present family disfunction.   Everywhere you walk, people are screaming for a savior.  Someone to fix someone or something or some situation which seems so impossible.

For God did not send his Son [Jesus] into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him / John 3:17

And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved / Acts 4:12

For the Son of God came to seek and save the lost / Luke 19:10

And everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved / Acts 2:21

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not parish but have eternal life / John 3:16

Jesus didn't come to make our lives on this earth perfect or even comfortable.  He came to save us from this world that we made a mess of...that I have made a mess of.  Thank you Lord that I am not broken repair and that the only lesson I can hold fast to is that you are the solution.

.....

One last thought: yesterday a friend shared with me and a few other ladies something her professor had said in class.  That even in our moments when things are NOT good, one bit; God is asking us, "But do you trust me?"  This friend is having lots of stupid, stupid little and big bad things pile up in her life right now.  It was encouraging to hear her say she was finding freedom in that simple question from our sovereign God.

I instantly applied that question to stuff going on in my own daily life that is dragging me down. From navigating singleness to pouring out myself physically and mentally to my patients in an intensive care unit to making sense of the atrocities of ISIS to knowing that there are people out there without a nation let alone a physical shelter to call home.

But do you trust me?  

.....I have tried putting my trust in everything BUT you, Lord.  The world has tried. We are tired. We are feeing the gravity of our depravity. We need a solution. We have you. We have a Savior who has and will continue to do the impossible in our world and our hearts.  

Help us trust. Help us believe.
[Old photo dug out from sometime in college. This is my friend Patrick. He is a teacher in China. He is changing the world one student at a time. He is bringing joy to the world one dance move at a time =D He also loves to teach history and social studies, go figure.]        

Doppelgängers & Myths

Don't be fooled. ^That isn't me. HAHA.

THIS is ME ^

Recently I heard a co-worker tell me that a resident mentioned that I looked the one and only, Rhonda Rousey,  

This girl is SUPER BA and SUPER FIT so, of course, it's a compliment in my eyes.  I knew she was muscular but I had no idea our face's were actually quite similar especially in our mean mugging//concentration face.  From the other pictures I saw, we are not THAT similar.   She 1) usually has blonde hair 2) is WAY more muscular and has a six pack 3) takes ALOT of topless pictures for sports magazines (so to my male friends out there, don't you go cruising through her pictures. you don't need to be tempted with that so I am saving you the trouble and warning you here)

We do have a few things in common besides our face.  Compared to the average 20 something year old female, I know I have some serious guns starting to show.  Yes I am sure CrossFit is the culprit but have no fear friends, I will NEVER be as bulky as what you might be picturing....

THESE are some REALLY serious girl guns. This is a famous CrossFitter, Sam Briggs.  She is a professional CrossFitter who has competed in the CrossFit Games numerous times so OF COURSE she has crazy scary biceps (she is actually known to have HUGE biceps over other strong CrossFit women. Her instagram name is even @biscepslikebriggs.)

I have been part of numerous conversations with friends (both guys and girls) who are pretty disgusted (might be a strong word, but I think it's true) with women being THIS bulky.  I admit it looks pretty strange to see women's faces on such muscular bodies but do you think these ladies care what the average person thinks? NOPE. I am taking a hunch that they have found a lot of their identity in CrossFit.  Being THAT fit equates to achieving results (aka winning competitions, increase work capacity in WODs, higher PR's with weight lifting, etc.) and satisfaction in the CrossFit world.  I appreciate the fact that their definition of beauty is not based on pop culture and magazines. 

Many women are hesitant to weight lift and/or CrossFit because they don't want to get "biceps like Briggs."  I'm here to tell you that it is absolutely a MYTH that women will bulk up THAT much doing regular CrossFit/weight lifting alone.  It takes a specific and strict diet and much more lifting/many work outs in a single day to even start to gain incredibly "manly," muscle as a female.  Even at that, women will never achieve the same amount of strength and muscle as men due to hormone difference.  Unless, of course, a woman is using steroids (ew.)  

Personally, I have noticed so many changes in my body in the last year.  My weight has not changed at all but my legs, arms, and back feel so much more toned.  My waist feels so much more slimmer.  Moreover, my clothes fit so much better and I feel so much better.  If I were to stick to a paleo type diet, I know I would lose more fat pounds.  It is such a battle to even think about giving up dairy and gluten AND legumes completely. Especially when I think about going out to eat on the weekend with friends and with the snacks that my co-workeres bring into work.  Maybe someday I will give it a try and see the results but for now I will stick to eating as many veggies, lean protein, and clean (non-processed) foods as possible. 

Overall I am proud of my baby muscles. Losing weight has been such a battle in my life and for the first time ever, I am losing flab and getting tone.  

more muscle = faster metabolism

Faster metabolism = more fat burn (even just at a resting state)

Not only do my muscle help me with my body image, they help me in real life!!! I can carry more groceries, help friends move across town with heavy furniture, boost & turn bariatric patients (think like 400+ lb's) up in bed at work, and jump to kill the paper wasps invading my apartment.  Hey sometimes, it's allllllll about survival! 

Crossfit released this wonderful short video about how it has empowered women despite the haters.

Check out these blogs/websites I found discussing myths about women automatically bulking up after starting to weight train and crossfit

http://crossfitdublin.ie/women-weights-and-the-bulky-myth-by-laura/

http://crossfitcommitted.com/2012/05/the-myth-of-bulk-why-women-should-do-crossfit/

http://crossfitfire.com/2012/07/11/the-truth-about-getting-bulky/

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/this-is-what-women-who-lift-weights-actually-look-like#.jcQrokRb6

Speaking of doppelgängers, my friend Blair pointed out that this one girl whose pictures is featured in the buzzfeed article above looks eerily similar to me too. I am known to make faces like this when I lift!

Recipe // Sweet & Sour Thai Carrot and Cucumber Noodle Salad

It officially feels like fall outside (YES!), but I am still hanging onto crisp & refreshing summer salads. 

I bought a "veggetti," mid-summer and have been finding recipes left and right to use it. It takes a little elbow grease to use at times, but it is definitely worth it.  I bought mine at Bed Bath and Beyond. 

I just so happened to have some extra carrots from another recipe, explored the good ole faithful Pinterest and WA-LA! found this one. This recipe turned out to be a PERFECT work meal because it doesn't need to be heated/reheated.  The leftovers were just as fresh. Also, I loved the texture of the crushed nuts and seeds. Oh! fun fact: it calls for CHIA SEEDS which expand in your stomach to make you feel FULL. 

Sweet & Sour Thai Carrot and Cucumber Noodle Salad

Ingredients:

• TBSP fresh lemon juice
• 3 TBSP extra virgin olive oil
• 2 TBSP white vinegar
• ¼ tsp salt [plus extra, to taste]
• ⅛ tsp dill [fresh or dried]
• ⅛ tsp garlic powder
• ½ tsp fresh minced garlic
• 2 cups chickpeas [canned or cooked from dry]
• ¼-1/2 cup fresh chopped cilantro, plus extra to garnish
• 1.5 large english cucumbers
• 1 cup chopped green bell pepper
• ¼ cup finely minced onion
• 2-3 extra large carrots
• 2 TBSP honey
• 2 TBSP rice vinegar
• ½-1 TBSP sesame seeds
• ½-1 TBSP chia seeds

*I forgot to buy cilantro (UGH I love cilantro in ANYTHING) so I just had to exclude it from the recipe. It still tasted so good. 

Instructions:
1. Combine lemon juice, olive oil, vinegar, garlic powder, dill, salt, and minced garlic and whisk to emulsify.

2. In a medium bowl add chickpeas, minced onion, chopped bell pepper, ½ an English cucumber [chopped] and cilantro. (I couldn't find a second can of chickpeas at the store so I ended up using 1 can chickpeas and 1 can great white beans)

3. Pour in dressing and mix thoroughly. The longer you allow them to marinate the more intense the flavor will be!

4. Next, using a veggetti or tool of choice  curl one english cucumber and 2-3 large carrots [the biggest, thickest carrots you can find] into raw spiral noodles.

5. Whisk together 2 tablespoons of honey with 2 tablespoons of rice vinegar and pour over salad.

6. Top with extra chopped cilantro and a hearty sprinkle of sesame and chia seeds. If you're adding chopped nuts, toss those babies on top too and have at it!

My finished product at work.  Since I work nightshift, I eat "lunch,"  between midnight and 3 am. Yes, we do get hungry this late for a full meal. Being in a high stress environment, it is very easy to just fall back into gorging on comfort/junk foods. This is why I must meal plan with nutritious and filling foods.

 I type this as I regret partaking in Papa Johns pizza tonight at work to celebrate a co-workers last day on orientation :0

It JUST got real.

My official Level-One CrossFit Trainer certificate arrived late last week. CHECK.IT.OUT.

My first official classes were tonight!  I am super appreciative of all the encouragement and comments from friends and our box members as I transition to this role to give Grant a break.  It felt odd to not be participating along side our members but since I was coaching my friends, it wasn't too scary! I have learned so much ever since the my level one class and I feel like each class I coach, I will GAIN a little bit more experience and confidence.  

I am excited to be starting a new class at our box for women only!! haha. I personally don't have any aversion to working out with guys (usually it makes me work harder to catch up with them) BUT I know a handful of ladies who would prefer to not have a guy see the face they make when they run or squat. It will be sort of an on-ramp class for ladies, looking to test the waters of CrossFit, using a lot of body weight and familiar fitness movements to start. Plus for our non-members, it will only be $5/class so it is VERY affordable =] I'll be making a Facebook event for this so if you are interested, let's be friends and I will add you! 

clearly I make interesting faces when I lift heavy weight and now the trainer in me sees how much I am turning my knees in during my back squat here, oh well!

Of course tonight Grant had planned push presses for our skill/strength. Ever since level one class, this lift has been my ARCH NEMESIS. Mostly because I thought I was doing it correctly and OH BABY was I wrong. So I had a good time reviewing videos on youtube and practicing before classes started. For you CrossFit savvy people out there, I have a hard time keeping the bar in a straight plane aka moving my face out of the way for the bar to pass straight up verses rounding it around my head. My hip extension sucks too but that is something that takes ALOT of time to develop and work on. Here is the push press if you have no idea what I am talking about

Of COURSE, Grant also programmed to have SNATCHES into the WOD. Thank goodness they were just power snatches (you don't have to go all the way down into the squat, less balance is required.)  These are tough movements to learn even without much weigh added to a barbell. It too me almost five months to feel like I could actually snatch correctly.  So needless to say, many of our members still struggle with this lift. It's actually one of my favorites now but teaching someone else is another story. Here short explanation of a power snatch

The WOD today was:

four rounds for time of....

•  5 power snatches (115/85 lb prescribed...this was heavy for me, I did 75 lb and struggled!!)

• 12 BOX OVER BURPEES.....this required you to do a burpee, jump on top of a box, jump off to the other side and repeat

everyone.hates.burpees.

the first few can be ok.....but they sure do catch up with you. 

if you don't believe me, watch this and imagine doing 12 of these times four

side note: if you take a look at the first picture of my certificate, you might notice a reddish scar on my left shin....imagine not landing squarely on the box and instead your shin landing on the corner...that scar is from JANUARY. So TRUST ME if you start to get tired, the best plan is to just do step up's onto the box verses jumping #shortpeopleprobs 

Well that's all for now! The adventures of Jillian coaching CrossFit shall return next Wednesday night for my next round of classes. I can't help but let THIS GUY have the last word

Self-Care, Sleep, & Spotify

Nightshift & GOOD Self-Care are almost antonyms.

I tell people I know (& don't know for that matter) to be healthy yet I rarely get sufficient sleep in a normal week. I pull all-nighters on my first shift and sometimes only let myself sleep four hours after my last shift.  Nurses are notorious for awful health habits: over-eating, smoking, holding our bladders for 12 + hrs (guilty), binge drinking, etc.  

Unless you live under a rock, you probably can guess that we turn to these habits to cope with the weightiness and stress of our jobs.  I know, I know.  A lot of other people who aren't nurses cope this way too and they, too, have stressful jobs. There is just something extremely heavy about having someone's (very sick) life in your hands.  Also there is EVERYTHING stressful about having someone spit, hit, curse in your face but that is another story for another post. 

Needless to say,  I make sure to make time for self-care on my time off.  Making this time is a big reason why I rarely pick up extra shifts.  I need me time to be sane at work and with friends.  One of the very obvious things I do to take care of myself is CROSSFIT !  I like to squeeze in 4:30 pm class RIGHT before I go into work even though it means less sleep and little bit of a crazy rush to get to the hospital on time.  It is significant how much more energy I have at work if I have done the WOD that day. 

On my random nights off in-between shifts I usually stick to my nightshift sleep schedule with the exception of going to bed around 3-4 am verses 8:30 am.  These nights are all about catching up on life.  I grocery shop, meal prep, do laundry, clean, watch netflix, read, and RELAX (Thank goodness my roomie Hilary can sleep through anything)

My friend, Mollie, recently ask me if I had any tricks for going to bed.  I have certain nights when I WANT to go to bed at the normal time of a person but lay sleepless until 3 or 4 am.  There are also times when I am trying to take a nap before work during the day and it just doesn't work.  She told me about epsom salts. I've heard of people soaking in a tub of epsom salts to relieve soreness but there is no way I am taking a bath in our creepy bath tub.  Mollie referred me to this this website to make an epsom salts and water concoction to spray on your body to help with relaxation and sleep.  

Last week I bought some LAVENDER (oh my goodness this smells amazing) epsom salts and since I didn't have a spray bottle at the time,  I decided to make my own hot water foot soaking bath. 

It was GLORIOUS.  I can get pretty distracted by my phone and computer when I am sitting still.  I struggle spending time with God, just me and Him. Oh how too often I skip out of sweet time in his word and breeze through prayer. I think I am going to make my epsom salt foot bath time from here on out, my quality time with the Lord. 


Another way I de-stress is listening to music. Thank goodness for Spotify premium because on any given day at my apartment I am blasting tunes through my phone wherever I walk. Some of my favorite artists to listen to as I relax are : Sleepingatlast, Jon Foreman, Jose Gonzalez, Sufjan Stevens, Explosions in the Sky, and Bon Iver to just name a few. 

Ryan O'Neal is the man behind Sleeping At Last. He is from Chicago (AYO!) and writes the most beautiful lyrics not to mention his gorgeous music to accompany.  His piano and symphony tracks melt my heart. Fun fact is that his music is played on multiple ABC primetime shows (Dancing with the Stars, Chicago Fire, Grey's Anatomy...) If you take a good listen you will hear a lot of spiritual undertones.  

Ok time for less blogging and more of my self-care night off. Goodnight world. 

Perhaps

can·cer

ˈkansər

noun

-Disease caused by the uncontrolled division on abnormal cells.

-DEVASTATING Disease affecting almost half of my patients on a weekly basis.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I prefer surgical patients. Surgical patients come to me with an abundance of "access" (term nurses use to describe how many IV's a patient have available to use.)  Many surgical patients even have a special line going right into their artery so we know EXACTLY what their blood pressure is at any given second. PLUS the line can be used to draw blood, painfree & needlefree in a matter of minutes.  Surgical patients usually have a "foley," catheter in their bladder (sorry, some people might cringe at that word if you have ever had one in).  Basically surgical patients are an OCD ICU nurses' dream come true because of the control we encompass with all those lines not to mention cardiac monitoring.  To top it all off surgical patients equate to evading one shift without having to clean up excessive and massive BM's due to anesthesia and pain meds working their magic to plug up the poop shoot (just being honest.)

Some surgical patients undergo surgery knowing that the hurt of the procedure is a hurt to heal process (i.e. getting a hip replacement or getting an appendix taken out,) so really my surgical patients should be rejoicing when they have finally made it to their room post-operatively. They have survived anesthesia! The have no where to go but up (especially as they start receiving cocktails of morphine or fentanyl or oxycodone or dilaudid!!!) 

But...this isn't always the case as you might expect from the heading above. Waking up from anesthesia doesn't always mean you are cured from cancer. No longer does the care I provide have a happy, easy peasy lemon squeeze attitude floating about the room.  The reality of this disease hits harder than a four ton load. 

I had a patient this week who had "beaten" cancer once but it came back again. This time with vengeance landing himself in the ICU with a really, really bad infection.  This time surgery wasn't even an option. This time he knew how much chemo and radiation sucked the life out of him. 

Towards the end of my night shift the hospital starts buzzing with life again as med students and residents come flooding back for another day. I stuck my head into my patients room as his team of doctors started to inspect his wound. As they wrapped it back up, they started discussing the day, the plan,....and prognosis. 

"You have about six months to live in my medical opinion...........has anyone ever told you how long you have to live, sir?" 

....silence....."nope"

As the doctors awkwardly shuffled out a few minutes later, I decided to stay. I could tell they had said a few confusing doctor things to him so I offered to answer any questions he might have. He agreed that it was confusing but declined. I truly did have a few tasks to accomplish before the next shift started but I also knew my patient was hit...hard...four ton load of reality hard.  

I worked silently for a few minutes. Finishing, I found a stool so I could sit down.  He didn't even have family in town, let alone with him in the room. He started with a light hearted joke then talked about living, living with cancer, and dying. He ended with a glean in his eye and he expressed his sadness that the shift was ending and he would have to teach the next nurse his flavor of sarcasm. He shook my hand and thanked me. The shift ended. 

My heart could not break harder on a Friday at 6:30 am. This was not a simple surgical patient. He could no longer be hurt to be healed. He was fully broken. 

It is easy to loose track of why I wanted to be a nurse but this week God reminded me in such a saddening way.  It is even easier to loose track of the fact that God created me for his plans and for his purposes.  I tend to think that God's plan for me revolves around me and the "progression" of my life (being a super smart nurse, totally in shape, super stylish, with an abundance of friends, getting married to a smoking hot dude who loves me only second to Jesus, & having the most amazing, athletic kids, etc, etc,!!)  

Perhaps not all those things will happen. like ever.  Perhaps they will. Perhaps my patient will pass away in six months. Perhaps he will live another year. Either way God is still good.

But perhaps God has even better plans for us. I have no doubt that it was in His plans that I walked into my patient's room that morning. 

Recipe // Turkey Burgers & Quiche

There is a Saint Louis hidden treasure near me called Jay's International Foods.  Righty tucked in around all the fantastic international South Grand eateries, Jay's offers everything from Vietnamese to  German to Mediterranean cruise products.  The best part about Jay's is the amazing selection of produce and more specifically all the HERBS.  I will never again buy sweet basil, parsley, cilantro, etc. any where else in STL.  At Jay's you get a BOUNTY of herbs (seriously) for a half the price of a itsy bitsy container found a Schnucks.  This week I bought dill & chives (totaled maybe $4) and found two great recipes to use my bounty (I still have so much more leftover!) 

Homemade Turkey Burgers

• 1 lbs ground chicken or ground turkey
• 1 TBS fresh, chopped dill
• 3 chives, chopped
• Juice of one lemon
• 2 garlic cloves, minced (or 1 tsp garlic powder)
• 1 tsp dried Italian herbs
• 1/2 tsp paprika or chili powder
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1 TBS coconut oil

Instructions

1. Place the ground meat in a bowl and add all the ingredients.
2. Combine with your hands.
3. Mold the mixture into 4 patties and set them on wax paper.
4. Heat a fry pan and add your oil. Place as many patties in the pan as can fit.
5. Cook on one side for 6 minutes and cook on the second side for 4-5 minutes.

Note: This is not my recipe. I took it from Our Savory Life

I was inspired to make turkey burgers from The Iron You 's tomato bun idea. I adapted the recipe to use what I had/what I like since I don't really like mayo. Sorry I don't really have accurate measurements below. I kind of made it up as I went. 

Tomato Avocado Bun Burgers

• large tomatos (I used roma tomatoes even though they aren't "large" because they have less juiciness/more substance to bite into...Off the vine tomatoes would work great too)
• two medium avocados (nice & soft, aint nobody got time to peel a not ready avocado)
• greek yogurt (2 Tbsp or so; can be plain but I used vanilla since that is all I had and it didn't taste weird, surprisingly)
• lime juice (MMM LOVE lime juice)
• alfalfa sprouts or bean sprouts (at least a cup) (alfalfa sprouts found at Trader Joes & bean sprouts found at Jay's. You can get a POUND of bean sprouts for $1.20 at Jay's =o)
• choice of burger (since i made my own above ^^ I made the patties smaller so they would fit on top my roma tomatoes)

Instructions

1. Wash & cut tomatoes in half (that was EASY!)
2. Mash up the avocado, add in your greek yogurt (add in a spoon full at a time, enough for your preference of creaminess), then spritz in some lime juice! 
3. Assemble tomato burger with creamy avocado & sprouts of choice! 

Ok, NEXT recipe since there still a TON of dill & chives left!  Since I breakfast food is AMAZING anytime of the day, I went for a new quiche recipe. This one I did word for word from fourteen forty 365 .  My thoughts on the recipe are in black below.

Sweet Potato Crusted Spinach Quiche

• 6 small sweet potatoes (I only used 2 medium potatoes to fill the dish I used) 
• Olive oil spray
• 1 bunch organic spinach (not going to lie, I didn't used organic) 
• 1/2 small onion
• 1 clove garlic
• 4 eggs
• 1 cup grated fresh mozzarella
• Spring herbs (dill, parsley, chives) to taste (forgot to buy parsley so I didn't use it)
• 1 tablespoon organic white miso (optional) (couldn't find this ingredient anywhere)
• 1/4 cup goat cheese
• 1/4 cup asiago cheese (to sprinkle on top)
• Sea salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

• Peel sweet potatoes and slice thinly with a food processor (I just used a knife to slice?)
• Lay potato slices out in pie dish in a crust-like fashion, spray with oil, and bake on 400 degrees fahrenheit for 15 minutes. (After crust has baked, reduce oven to 375 degrees fahrenheit.)
• Spray a saute pan with oil and saute sliced onion and crushed garlic clove until lightly browned, about 7 minutes. Stir in spinach and saute until wilted and tender, about 4 minutes. Drain spinach over the sink to rid excess liquid.
• Blend eggs and mozzarella in a medium bowl. Add herbs, goat cheese, and miso. (Miso makes everything taste better, but may be omitted.)
• Add spinach/garlic/onion mix to the egg/cheese mixture. Add salt and pepper to taste. Place the combined mixtures in the potato crust. Sprinkle with asiago cheese on top.
• In a 375 degree oven, bake until the quiche is firm and the cheese has browned, about 40 minutes.
• Tastes best a little warm

And WALA! There you have it! Next time I'll take pictures of my finished products but for now check out the websites where I found the recipes to get a good visual if you need it.